This story was first shared in our Paying for College 101 Facebook community. It’s been edited for clarity and flow.
Kellsey Stokes is a wife and mom of two who attended Davidson College, worked in college ministry at Salem College and Wake Forest University, and holds a master’s degree in Counseling. She knows firsthand what freshman year looks like from every angle — the excitement, the anxiety, and the emotions that catch both students and parents off guard. Here, she shares what she wishes every family understood about the social realities of that first year before their student ever steps on campus.
Loneliness Is Normal — Make Sure Your Student Knows That
Please have a talk with your kids about loneliness. Freshman year, it is absolutely common and normal to feel lonely. This does not mean that they are doing it wrong. It is not a failure. It is to be expected.
Please help them to know this ahead of time.
If they know this ahead of time, they are less likely to call you three weeks in saying they want to come home. Help them set their expectations to include that most people do not find “their people” right off the bat. It takes time. It takes intention. It takes stepping out of your comfort zone, again and again.
Everyone Is in the Same Boat — Remind Them of This
Go to school knowing that everyone just wants someone to be kind to them. Everyone is afraid and hesitant. So, be kind. Just be kind to everyone. It might spark a relationship or two if you are just intentionally kind to the people around you.
The Biggest Mistake Freshmen Make
For years I have read post after post of parents whose kids get to school and are so afraid to step out that they go to class, they grab food, and they retreat to their rooms where they stay alone on their computers or on their phones or gaming, or whatever — all by themselves — wondering why no one is reaching out to them, no one is coming to drag them off to go play and hang out somewhere.
What Your Student Actually Needs to Do
Your student needs to know that he or she will need to figure out what social opportunities there are on campus. Your student needs to figure out when and where people gather — and go. Go more than once. Go several times and introduce yourself. Going once is not enough. Going and expecting everyone there to come and find them and pursue them is most likely an incorrect expectation to have.
Your student needs to go and show some initiative in meeting people. It will feel hard. It will feel scary. But they can do this.
Ask Questions and Show Genuine Interest
Ask other people questions. Show genuine interest in other people. When others feel like you want to know them, they tend to open up and might even ask questions back.
Take the Next Step
When they meet people that they think they might like, ask those people to join you for lunch, coffee, dinner — just something.
First Friends Don’t Have to Be Forever Friends
Help your student to know that it is normal that sometimes your first friends are not the friends that last. Many students go to college, meet other students, hang out, have some fun, and drift away as they find that there are other people with whom they have more in common. It’s just something that happens.
So, hold these relationships loosely. You may not meet your best friend ever in that first few weeks, but having people to hang out with and have fun with is great — and eventually you may move on from those first friends and find deeper ones. This is normal.
Help Them Set the Right Expectations
Your student will be fine, but help them out — help them to set realistic expectations about finding their people, the loneliness they may experience, and the work they will need to do themselves if they want to meet people and make friends.
Having the right expectations about this can make a world of difference for your student.
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