Dear Roadie:
I’m deeply concerned about my daughter’s upcoming college choice. She wants to attend the same school as her boyfriend, but he’s not as academically gifted as she is. He’s a nice young man and has treated her well the two years they’ve been dating, but I’m afraid my daughter will attend a lesser school because his chances of a good college seem limited. I think she should shoot for the moon, but he’s more likely to land at Last Resort State. How should I handle this?
– Not a Fan of Young Love
Dear Not a Fan of Young Love,
I understand your concern. It may sound harsh, but there’s nothing worse than watching your daughter “dumb” herself down just to be close to a man who isn’t as academically gifted as she is. We want to encourage young women to follow their dreams, not to change their dreams to accommodate someone else. There’s nothing wrong with wanting that, and I bet mothers of sons would feel the same way if their child was choosing an easier route simply so his academically challenged girlfriend could attend the same college.
Students should base their college choices on affordability and opportunity, not where their boyfriend or girlfriend will be attending. Once they know how much they can afford, ideally without going into debt, the next step is to find schools that will challenge them with a curriculum that matches their academic interests and abilities. Where their significant others and even their friends choose to attend college should be way low on the list, comparatively.
Is there a compromise that can be reached, perhaps? Maybe she agrees to attend a different school for one year and see how she feels at the end of it. She can always transfer if she truly feels that’s the best route for her. Chances are she’ll be settled in by then with new friends and perhaps even a new boyfriend, one whose academic abilities align with hers. If she’s not, then at least you’ll know she explored other options.
Whatever you do, try not to badmouth the current beau. Sure, he may be pressuring her, but even if he is, the last thing you want to do is create a dynamic where she doesn’t feel she can talk to you about this momentous decision. Instead, try turning the conversation toward all the other reasons she wants to attend college, the realities of attending a school with fewer opportunities, and the importance of choosing her own path in life.
Also, if there is anyone in your life who did something similar who can speak to her about whether they have regrets, this would be a good time for that!
College — and more importantly, her future — is more important than any boyfriend. Few high schoolers go on to marry their high school sweetheart (less than 2 percent, by many accounts). If they’re meant to be, life will bring them together naturally, in a way that doesn’t require a young girl with her whole life ahead of her to make decisions based on the limitations of someone else.
Have a perplexing college question? Email Dear Roadie for advice at dearroadie@road2college.com
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