Dear Roadie,
After putting myself through school, surviving a difficult divorce, and raising two kids on my own, I’m finally at a place where I don’t have to worry about money. It took a long time to get here, and my sons are enjoying the fruits of my labor. I bought my oldest a nice used car when he turned 16 so he could take himself and his younger brother to school and activities. I’ll likely do the same for my other son when he turns 16. But I refuse to write a blank check for college. The cost of college today is astronomical (it took me years to pay off my college debt), and degrees are not always necessary for some of the best-paying careers these days, mine included. The last thing I want to do is sink more money into an education he may not need, but some of my friends say I’m disfavoring him for no good reason. My son is upset that I have the means but refuse to help him. Am I a terrible parent for not paying for college, even though I can?
— Able But Not Willing
Dear Able But Not Willing,
I understand why you may feel conflicted about your decision not to pay for your child’s college tuition, despite making a handsome salary. But no rule book says parents are required to pay for college. I’m sure that many parents wish they had the same resources, but that has nothing to do with you and your child. Only you know what’s best for your family.
You mention that you struggled financially for years and had only yourself to rely on. I respect and applaud your efforts. It certainly sounds like your hard work and dedication paid off. Is your decision to not pay for your son’s college because you worry your children won’t know what it’s like to work hard if someone else pays the bill?
Perhaps understanding the debt you were going to owe after graduation pushed you to work harder in classes. As a result, you see incredible value in feeling the weight of your education, and you want your children to experience that, too. As parents, it’s important for us to feel like these values are passed down to our children.
But there’s no reason to think that your children won’t understand the value of hard work without paying for college themselves. Many students graduate from college with zero debt and go on to work hard at building self-sustaining careers and lives. Your paying for college doesn’t mean that your son won’t have to pass his classes; determine a career path, which may or may not require a degree; and take care of himself after graduation. It’s simply ensuring he doesn’t have to struggle with college debt in the same way you did.
Your son is practically an adult, so why not have an honest conversation with him about your concerns? Explain to him what worries you most about footing the bill, and allow him to weigh in with his thoughts. It’s important that you both feel the other understands where they’re coming from. Let him know that you’re not looking to abandon him, you simply don’t want to hand him something so valuable without some involvement and commitment on his part. Tell him what your early years were like — he may learn some things about you he never knew, and vice versa.
Let’s Make A Deal
You can always offer to pay for college with some stipulations, such as maintaining a certain GPA and securing a part-time job so he can contribute to his education as well. Perhaps you pay for tuition and room and board, and he handles spending money and everything else. There are myriad ways you can negotiate an agreement that you can both feel good about. This way, he wouldn’t feel abandoned by you, and you would feel like he has enough skin in the game to learn the values of hard work and dedication, too.
You can also offer to help him in other ways, such as researching schools where he’s likely to earn scholarships. Whether he’s a good student with good test scores, has done a lot of community service, or is an athlete or performer, there are scholarships out there for just about everyone. If he has to take out student loans, your guidance can help ensure he gets the best rates and doesn’t get in way over his head.
Don’t forget that you are your children’s primary role model, and they’ve had a front-row seat to both your struggles and successes. Your sons likely already know what it takes to get ahead in life, whether you ultimately decide to pay for college or not.
Have a perplexing college question? Email Dear Roadie for advice at dearroadie@road2college.com
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