Dear Roadie,
My senior son and his long-term girlfriend just broke up, and he can’t focus on anything else. He’s putting off his college applications and even skipping some of his classes and practices. What can I do so this doesn’t hurt his chances of getting into college?
— My Son is Heartbroken
Dear My Son is Heartbroken,
Supporting a young person through their first big breakup—especially during a critical time like college application season—can be tricky. The key is to find ways to help him so he doesn’t negatively impact his applications without minimizing his feelings or piling on extra pressure (easier said than done).
First, acknowledge his feelings. Let him know it’s normal to feel heartbroken and distracted after a breakup. Acknowledging his emotions can help him feel seen and understood, which can open the door for him to accept your help. Remind him that breakups are tough, especially during a busy season. Saying, “I know this must hurt a lot, and I’m here for you,” can go a long way in showing empathy.
Once you sense that he’s willing to listen, focus on the long-term goals. Gently remind him that applying to college is a step toward the future he’s dreamed of. Explain that this momentary distraction shouldn’t sideline his future plans, and encourage him to look at college as a fresh start, or a new chapter. College is an opportunity to grow, explore new interests, and meet new people.
If he’s going to need more time to get around the deadlines for college applications, perhaps breaking down the process can help it seem more manageable. Help him make a timeline of application tasks, breaking them down into small steps. By tackling one thing at a time, he’ll feel less overwhelmed and more capable of moving forward. It’s OK to offer to help him with certain logistical aspects, like proofreading or organizing deadlines, but he has to drive the car, so to speak. This is his college journey, not yours.
Healthy distractions are ideal during times like these. Suggest he take breaks to do things he enjoys, like exercising, playing a sport, or spending time with friends. These activities can help him recharge and improve his mood.
Everyone talks a lot about self-care, but few do it in the context of boys, yet they need it just as much as girls do. Remind your son that taking care of his mental and physical health can help him regain focus. Self-care is crucial to managing stress and staying on track.
If he’s struggling, consider suggesting he talk to a counselor or therapist. Sometimes, discussing emotions with a neutral third party can help him process feelings more effectively.
Finally, tell him about your first heartbreak. Kids don’t see their parents as ever having been teenagers experiencing similar feelings, and hearing your story might help him open up to you. At the very least it will remind him that heartbreaks are inevitable, it’s how we bounce back from them that counts.
Breakups are tough, especially when compounded with the stress of college applications. Consider every step he takes in the application process, no matter how small, a victory, and celebrate it as such. The confidence boost will remind him of the progress he’s making.
———
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