Dear Roadie,
I just took a second job to pay for my daughter’s dream school. This will have me out of the house until 9 p.m. several nights per week and working all day Saturday for a total of 60 hours a week. You’d think she’d be doing her part. Instead, I’m arguing with her constantly about getting the work done for her four AP classes and one honors class. She also plays a varsity sport that requires mandatory practice six days a week. She says she wants to enjoy her life, but I’m anxious since we haven’t started college essays, scholarships, or early decision applications. Why am I working so hard to provide her with her dream school when she isn’t even willing to get her stuff done? She has always been the kid who comes right home and immediately does her schoolwork. Is this normal senior behavior? Should I just back off?
— Frustrated at a Lack of Drive
Dear Frustrated at a Lack of Drive,
I can sense your blood pressure rising with every word, so the first thing to do is take a deep breath. Heck, take a few. The college journey isn’t easy, but it shouldn’t be this hard.
It must be frustrating to work so hard and feel like your daughter simply isn’t. But if I’m being honest, her schedule sounds as intense as yours, perhaps a bit too intense. Six days of practice is a lot. When you add college essays, early applications, and boatloads of work for honors and AP classes, something (or someone) is bound to implode.
It shouldn’t be her — or you.
I think it’s important that the two of you have an honest conversation about what she wants and what she’s willing to do to get there. Her dream school should be the reach, but there should be targets and safeties on her list, too, ones that won’t require the both of you to run yourselves ragged.
She’s right about one thing; she shouldn’t feel the need to give up all her free time, and you shouldn’t have to work 60 hours per week. We need to stop believing that this is what it takes to go to college these days. There are many wonderful schools out there that can provide her with a quality education without forcing either of you to break your back.
Sometimes we romanticize “dream schools” when, in reality, it’s what students do with their education, wherever they get it, that matters most. Just look at all of the successful CEOs who did not attend elite colleges.
I’m sure there is a way to reduce her workload (and yours!) and still have her attend a great school. If she’s struggling with AP and honors classes, consider taking fewer of them. Colleges look for a rigorous curriculum, but they also want well-rounded, balanced kids.
If her dream school requires this level of academic commitment and she doesn’t seem ready, that’s one more reason to consider whether another school may be a better fit.
Working extra hours to help your daughter attend her dream school is admirable, but it’s not necessary. Getting into college should not be this stressful.
Whatever path you both choose, it’s ultimately your daughter who has to have the most motivation. This is her college journey, not yours. She should be in the driver’s seat. If she’s unwilling and you must work so hard that you risk crashing and burning, you both have to ask yourselves: Is it worth it?
Have a perplexing college question? Email Dear Roadie for advice at dearroadie@road2college.com
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