Dear Roadie:
My daughter is dead set on attending an out-of-state college. The tuition is far more than for in-state students, and we’re not wealthy people. I worry about the loans she will have to take out. I’ll also admit that I don’t want her to be so far away. She’s been a responsible young woman, but she’s never been away from us for more than a week-long summer camp. She’s hooked on the idea of this school about 500 miles away due to its aeronautics program. I’m not even sure she’ll get in, but should I let her apply? Please help!
– I Feel Like I’m Losing Control
Dear “I Feel Like I’m Losing Control,”
The college journey is a time of change and transition for parents just as much as students, so I understand your apprehension at the idea of your daughter going away to school. We can experience separation anxiety, too.
There is no harm in having her apply to a “reach school” with a great aeronautics program that’s not close to home and may be out of your budget. Just because she applies doesn’t necessarily mean she’ll be accepted or even attend, so there’s no need to panic.
But before we get into the distance factor, let’s talk about the cost of attending an out-of-state college, which is a real concern for you and many other parents, too.
If you haven’t already, start the college budget conversation early, and be honest about how much you’re able to contribute. The sooner your child knows your financial limits, the better she can target schools effectively. As she begins to identify schools to apply to, check its cost of attendance and compare how it stacks up to your budget, so she can get a better understanding of the gap that exists.
In addition to potential scholarships and other forms of assistance, pinpoint which schools will likely require loans and how much, then use an online student loan calculator to give your daughter an idea of what her monthly payments will be when she graduates and for how long. For some students, this exercise is eye-opening, especially if they’re not likely to earn a high salary upon graduation.
Be Careful Not To Zap Your Student’s Confidence
The last thing we want to do as parents is create unnecessary roadblocks for our children that will zap their self-esteem. I understand your concern, given her lack of experience and limited independence, but rest assured, most students who go away to college do just fine. Few come running home, and a large percentage of those that do eventually leave the nest anyway, so there’s no sense in prolonging the inevitable.
If she’s a good student, who’s to say she won’t get in and perhaps even earn a scholarship that would help make the school more affordable? Given that you’re not wealthy people, as you say, she should also make a point to fill out the Free Application For Federal Student Aid (FAFSA). She may be eligible for work-study programs and grants that may also help to offset costs.
Many schools also offer competitive scholarships to out-of-state schools based on test scores, GPA, community service, and other factors, so be sure to check if the school she has her eye on offers them.
Keep in mind that experts recommend all students apply to safety, target, and reach schools, and the definition of reach can mean different things to different people. For most, it means a school is hard to get into, but for you, it may be that it’s hard to get accepted AND it’s far away — and that’s OK.
As parents, we want to set up our children for success as best we can, but we certainly don’t want to control them, especially when they’re on the cusp of adulthood. Preventing her from applying to competitive or faraway schools just to keep her close would be an exercise in control, and it would also signal to her that you don’t think she has what it takes to navigate this next stage of life, which may hurt her confidence and self-esteem. There’s no need for it, especially when you can’t be sure that it won’t end up being the best thing for her in the long run.
Trust that you’ve raised your daughter well and thus set her up for success. She will learn how to navigate her new reality, even if it turns out to be 500 miles from home. You may be far away, but you are not out of the picture. She can call, text, and FaceTime you as much as she and you need to maintain your closeness and ensure she feels supported.
The last thing you want to do is create doubts in her mind about her ability to navigate new situations before she’s even had a chance to try, so be careful about projecting your fears on her. There’s no reason to think your daughter doesn’t have what it takes to make this transition smooth and successful — after all, you raised her.
Have a perplexing college question? Email Dear Roadie for advice at dearroadie@road2college.com
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