Dear Roadie,
My daughter has her heart set on several colleges that I consider “reach schools.” Even if she gets in one, I fear she may not be able to keep up. I’m concerned that she will end up miserable and ask to transfer. Then we’ll have to start a fresh round of applications, which is so stressful. How can I deter her without making her feel like I don’t think she’s good enough to attend these schools?
— Worried My Kid Won’t Be Able to Keep Up
Dear Worried My Kid Won’t Be Able to Keep Up,
While I wouldn’t worry much about having too many safety schools on her college list, I can understand why you are concerned about having too many reach schools.
No one knows your child as you do, so I trust that your concerns are valid. But first, let’s ensure that everyone is on the same page regarding what a reach school is.
Reach schools are those where your daughter’s academic profile is not as strong as the middle 50 percent of the students who are admitted. They usually have admittance rates below 20 percent, and sometimes well below that. Experts typically recommend having at least two reach schools, two target schools, and two safety schools on your college list.
It sounds like your concerns are less about whether she’d be admitted to a reach school and more about whether she could keep up once there. If your daughter is dealing with any mental health issues that impact her ability to focus, study, and fulfill her academic responsibilities, it’s important to discuss your concerns with both her and your doctor. Having a third party there will soften the blow, so you’re not the only “bad guy” in the room. Whatever school she chooses to attend, you’ll want to ensure it has adequate resources, especially if she’ll need to continue treatment while in college.
If it’s her study habits that concern you because you already see her struggling with that, that’s valid. Ditto if she’s already taking college-level classes such as AP or dual enrollment and it’s not going well. But keep in mind that just because she struggles now, she may not necessarily struggle later, and there are many reasons why.
First, the high school environment differs from college in many ways. College is usually bigger, with many more students and a greater degree of anonymity, at least at the start. I mention this in case she’s dealing with social issues, which are common for so many high school students. In college, she’s likely to find there are fewer pressures about who’s doing what-and-with-whom. It’s a fresh start in more ways than one.
Also, college students take fewer classes than high school students, which leaves them more time in the day to study and get their work done. If she’s struggling because she’s involved in sports, clubs, and organizations that take up a lot of her time but look good on her applications, that may not necessarily be the case in college.
That said, college requires more independent work and students have more control over their schedules. If it’s not having the time that’s the problem but rather how she chooses to spend it, then you’re right to be concerned that she may not be able to manage her schedule and keep up with the work.
What You Can Do
Avoid hurt feelings by doing a deeper dive into the reach schools side by side with your daughter. Look up the profiles of the most current freshman class. How do her GPA and test scores stack up against theirs? Once she sees some of this information for herself, she may begin to see what you see without you having to say a word. Just make sure you avoid saying anything that even resembles “See? I told you so!” The goal is to guide her along, not push her away.
Also, look into the majors offered and what the school is known for. Does it jive with your daughter’s abilities and personality? Sometimes high school students romanticize what a dream school is about and when they do more research, they realize it’s not what they thought.
If possible, take a college tour of her reach schools with her. Ask lots of questions and look for red flags. If an in-person visit is not in the cards, consider a virtual appointment with the recruiter for your region. Send her your daughter’s transcripts and test scores ahead of time and ask her to evaluate if she thinks she should apply. Have your daughter make a list of her top questions beforehand and you do the same. This way, you’re prepared and can reap the most from the session.
In the end, it’s important to teach our children that it’s OK to dream big when planning for their future, but they also need to dream smart. A college list too heavy on “reach” schools can lead to a lot of disappointment.
One last thing. Keep in mind that unless you’re planning to pay for her college, you won’t necessarily have much sway in where your daughter chooses to go. As an adult, the choice of where to attend college is her decision to make, even if you think it’s just too much of a reach, and the last thing you want is for your daughter to feel like you don’t think she’s good enough.
To avoid conflict, try reframing your concerns. Instead of saying you think a certain school will be too much for her, ask her to make a list of the key qualities she’s looking for in a school, then help her look for schools that check most of her boxes and have stats that place her in the top 25th percentile.
Having two safeties, two reach, and two target schools she can be equally excited about ensures she won’t necessarily have to choose the toughest option to be happy.
Have a perplexing college question? Email Dear Roadie for advice at dearroadie@road2college.com
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